I am fighting through tests of vulnerability and reminding myself that growth sprouts from the discomfort. There is a natural craving for emotional intimacy, the feeling of closeness and fulfillment. I am open and weird and scared and grateful and sad and dancing and sharing it all with my friends, but when the layer of romance is added into the mix, I hesitate.
My struggles lay in trying to drop the assumption and generalization that what once was will always be- emotional rejection from the past does not mean a new connection will turn me down too.
There is a risk to being known, seen authentically flaws and all. Experiences that suggested my feelings are not welcomed or valued gradually altered my perception to view vulnerability as being a very unsafe risk. During developmental periods, we internalize and often relive these experiences until patterns are formed; a reflective structure of thinking is created and applied to new experiences and influence our behavior.
“We may have unconsciously concluded that being open leads to pain, isolation, or suffering. When care was inconsistent, intrusive, or emotionally unavailable, we may internalize conflicting representations: a longed-for other who disappoints, or a punitive figure who judges us for needing too much. Over time, we build protective strategies and defense mechanisms, often unconsciously, that allow us to manage the unbearable.”
-Santiago Delboy, MBA, LCSW
I was sucked into a paradox of intimacy. I wanted to be close, but fear led me to avoidance. I wanted to be understood, but I refused to share. The swirl of “What ifs” in my brain built a wall distancing me from partners and trapping me inside my mind.
If I am rejected now, it will reinforce the pain and fear. But if I do not put myself out there the wounds may never heal.
In my lessons of reframing, I know it is all changing my perception of vulnerability. Like most things, what works for me is adopting it as a practice- a skill I am learning through a process that challenges me. It is ongoing and slow. It is asking for support and presence. It is reflective. It is the small risk of saying something I admire, or the big risk of sharing my fears. It is tears met with warmth.
It is a continual effort for me to show up, for myself and my other. Some days it is easy as words flow out of my mouth and other days it is brutal and fragmented until I express what is on my mind. It is sharing the things I make despite feeling like they are imperfect and trusting that they will be received with tenderness.
It is beginning to feel safe, internalizing these new moments and experiences and changing what I thought was possible in romantic connections.
The best practice in vulnerability is honesty before action. Instead of running away, guarding my self-expression, or being reactive, in any words possible I can state what the triggering fear is. To be validated, to be understood, makes the next steps feel much easier.
The practice continues and the results are rewarding. I am accepted and I am loved. A weight has been lifted one word and one gesture at a time.
I Think, I Feel 
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